I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
