I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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