Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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