oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Rumble strips road head = magical
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Randomize
