I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
