afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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