i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
