I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
