Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
