Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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