So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
