don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
