Midget sex pt 2 tonight
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
