New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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