My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
