You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
it was like eating out sand paper
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
