So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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