Don't make out with my wife yet
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
We need to feng shui this bitch.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
