im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
