I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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