I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
