she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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