I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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