my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
