Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
