I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
