Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I've blown a few things in my day
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize