i think my tv is drunk
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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