I think I won the penis lottery.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
