nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
