is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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