Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So much rum. So many feels.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize