"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
