I'm really into asian looking animals
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
