dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
the liver wants what the liver wants
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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