My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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