Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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