you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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