I need to stop coming to work sober
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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