someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
