I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
