I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
