Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I don't think brook has ever known best
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Randomize
