You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
