i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
