dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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