Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Randomize
