I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
