There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
