After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
