Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
