I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
