You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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