i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
