You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
