imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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