I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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