No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
