i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize