At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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