you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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