I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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