The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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