Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
