I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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