I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize