What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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