im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i think i have two assholes
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize