I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Vodka?
Forever.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
