i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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