She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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