Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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