It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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